Remember that beloved children's book "The Little Engine That Could"? It was one of my children's favorites when they were little. I read that book to them probably hundreds of times, and I loved reading that part where the little engine cheerily said "I think I can, I think I can....."

A lot of moms (and dads) I've worked with remind me of that little engine, only they are singing a slightly different tune. It goes like this, "I think I should, I think I should....."

I call them "The Little Engine That Should".

You have probably met such moms before. They have what I call "shouldism", that is, they strongly believe that they should be, feel, do, or have, a certain things. For example, "A good mother should always be/feel/do/have XYZ; therefore, that's what I should be/feel/do/have too." If they fail to do so, they feel extremely guilty or anxious, and beat themselves up. They are afraid that if they don't follow these self-imposed rules, others will judge them, or, something bad will happen to them (or their loved ones).

In many cases, what they buy into is limiting beliefs, or Gremlin Messages. These are usually created in childhood, but you might also pick them up from other experiences as you get older. Limiting beliefs are often based in fears, and will create more fears, guilt, shame, anxiety that hold you back, and keep you stuck in life.

When you buy into limiting beliefs that deviate from your Authentic Self, and you think you should follow the limiting beliefs, this creates a disconnect from your Authentic Self. For example, you might think your culture or society expects you to behave in a certain way, which is different from who you really are. So, in order to feel accepted, you learn to hide your true self, and behave in the way that you think is more accepted by the society. If you consistently choose not to honor your own "voice" or needs, you might become totally disconnected from your Authentic Self.

In addition, the fact that you choose to hide your true self and behave differently, shows your judgment against your Authentic Self. You are basically saying to yourself, "I'm not good enough; therefore, I must behave differently, if I want others to love and accept me". Think about it. What a huge blow to your self-esteem that is!!!

In my previous post "Home-coming to You: Reconnecting with Your Authentic Self", I wrote about such disconnect due to "shouldism", and offered action steps to help you re-discover and appreciate who you really are. In the article, I gave some examples of my coaching clients. One of them was Annie (not her real name), who had "lost" herself in the process of striving to be a good mother and good wife. She had a lot of self-imposed limiting beliefs about being a "good mother".

Here is an interesting comment I received the other day about this post. I thought this discussion would complement what I wrote here, so I would like to share with you.

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Anonymous said...

When we convince ourselves that "we must do this, or we must not do that", isn't that just the same mechanism that protect us from damaging ourselves?

Annie says she must sacrifice herself for her children. If she had no such mechanism, she could possibly be one of the reckless mothers who neglect their children.

But it's this same mechanism that holds us back.

I'd be interested to know how you could reconcile this paradox.

6/25/2007 7:25 PM

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Hueina Su said...

Hi Anonymous:

I was away for a few days, and came back to see a bunch of very interesting comments -- yours is one of them! :)

If I read it correctly, I think the mechanism you refer to is the instinct that protects us (and our children) from harms. The voice that tells us "you must do this" or "don't go there", is our intuition. Yes, you are right, it's very important to follow your intuition & instinct (your gut feeling), in many areas of life. Since there is often no black-and-white "truth" in parenting, and each child is different, I believe that each parent needs to use his/her own better judgment, stick to his/her own core values, and listen to his/her intuition.

That's not what I wrote about in this article, though. My client Annie has what I call "shouldism", which is a set of limiting beliefs you buy into, about how you should be, feel, do, have, etc. Often we buy into limiting beliefs from childhood experiences, and/or any negative experiences along the way. In Annie's case, she believes that, to qualify as a "good mother", she must sacrifice her own needs, career, personal interests, and even friendship, for her children. Her children must be the top priority in her life, all the time. If she takes time to pursue her own hobby or career, or pamper herself, she feels extremely guilty. She didn't like that feeling, but couldn't help it. That's because of the limiting beliefs she bought into about what a "good mother" should be. She told me that she felt like she had "lost" herself, in the process of striving to be a good mother. She "lost" who she really was, because of years of denying her own needs and her own "voice". That's the "disconnect from the Authentic Self" that I talked about.

I think being parents, we all make choices to give up some things for our children. That's human nature and a sign of being good parents. We all give and do things for our children, and we do it for love. But, some parents do a certain things only because they think they should or must. They are afraid of being judged (by others or by themselves), and that's where guilt comes from. If you go to the extreme -- consistently choose (or you feel like you have no choice but) to put other people's needs before your own, to the point of damaging your own physical or emotional well-being -- then I don't think that's a wise choice for your long-term well-being or your children's well-being. In fact, that's a surefire path to Nurturing Burnout, relationship problems or other issues.

I think there is a healthy balance between meeting our own needs and our children's needs. There is a line between healthy, loving relationship, and a co-dependent, sacrifice-yourself kind of relationship. In my experience, when someone uses the word "sacrifice" to describe their relationship or behavior (with their children or spouse), that's usually a sign of an "unbalanced" relationship. When you feel like you are "sacrificing" yourself (think martyr), even though your intention was all good, overtime you'll probably feel resentful. We all know what resentment can do to a relationship.... (read more about self-sacrifice in my previous post)

So, what holds us back is not our instinct/intuition. What holds us back, I think, is the limiting beliefs.

I hope I answered your question. Thanks so much for your comment!

Warmly,
Hueina
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I'd love to hear what you think!

Can you relate to The Little Engine That Should? What is the underlying belief when you say you "should" be/feel/do/have something? Is it a limiting belief? How do you feel when you think this way? How would you like to feel/behave differently?

Awareness is the first step of making changes. When you can identify your limiting beliefs, and raise your self-awareness to be able to catch yourself "in the act", you are on your way to breaking free!

Coaching can help you identify your limiting beliefs, and create new beliefs and behaviors to replace the "old tape" that's been playing in your head. Just like breaking bad habits-- you cannot just break an old habit, you have to replace it with a new one. I can help you get clear about what's holding you back, what outcome you would like to have instead, and together we can create a step-by-step action plan for you. It will take 100% commitment and hard work, but it will be worth it! I'm here for you when you are ready to take the first step.

Labels: attachment, authentic self, awareness, caregiver, coaching, conscious choice, Intensive Self-Care, parenting, personal development, priority, relationship, self love, transforming limiting beliefs