When we think of a mastermind group, we usually associate it with business or professional success. However, we can also apply mastermind principles for personal success, such as weight loss, parenting/motherhood, going through major life transitions or illnesses, etc.

A mastermind group, by definition, is a group of like-minded people who work toward a common goal, by supporting each other (brainstorming, networking, offering resources), and keeping each other focused and accountable, until you reach your goals. In the case of masterminding for personal success, even though you may or may not call your group a mastermind group, you can utilize the same principles and process to facilitate success for group members.

For example, when my daughter was 10 months old, we had to relocate to another state due to my husband's new job, and I decided to quit my college counselor position to be a stay-at-home mom. I joined a local MOMS Club, and found a playgroup within that chapter. All 5 moms in our playgroup were previously full-time professional women with advanced education, and all our first-borns were only a few months apart in age. At the time we all had the desire to have a successful, fulfilling stay-at-home motherhood, good marriage, and the shared goal to raise our children the best we could. We met once a week at one of the moms' neighborhood clubhouse. While the children played and snacked, we talked about our challenges & triumphs in parenting, marital & other relationships, health, personal interests. We celebrated and cheered for each other's success, and offered support and solutions for challenges. We also shared our dreams & goals, and motivated each other to go after our goals. Best of all, we became really good friends, and so did our children.

At the time when I was struggling with the transition from being a full-time working mom to a full-time stay-at-home mom, the weekly playgroup meeting was a life-savor for me. The weekly outing offered my daughter and me a good time with our friends, and the much-needed intellectual stimulation and adult conversation for me. Since we all happened to have similar level of education, core values and goals, it was easy to consult with one another when we needed a sounding board, brainstorming partner, or accountability buddy.

When I looked back at this experience, I think even though we called our group a playgroup, we actually got a lot of benefits of a mastermind group or an advisory board from our group. And even though we started the group for the sake of our children, I believe we moms had benefited from the group as much (if not more) as our children did.

Another example is a mother-daughter book club that I recently joined. All of the moms (some working, some stay-at-home) have a daughter that's entering either 6th or 7th grade this fall. We all have a strong desire to sustain our close relationships with our preteen daughters, and help them navigate through the often challenging teenage years that's right around the corner. I think the teenage years is one of the most important transformations our daughters will go through in their lives. Our goal is to help our daughters grow into healthy, happy, loving, and self-confident young women. We will read books relevant to mother-daughter relationships (you know how tricky it sometimes is to do the "mother-daughter dance"), as well as any books that would serve as a conversation starter for any issues (and there are lots of them) facing today's teenage girls.

Again, it's an out-of-the-box solution for a set of specific common goals. Even though we initially call it a mother-daughter book club (the girls are working on creating a cool name for our group), it is so much more than that. We hope to make this group a safe haven for the girls (and moms) to talk about anything they are concerned about, support one another in trying times, and learn from one another. Yes, there will be lots of learning and growing for all of us, and I expect to have lots of fun as well. In a sense, this group is our advisory board and mastermind group, too.

If you are interested in starting your own mother-daughter group, check out "The Mother-Daughter Project: How Mothers and Daughters Can Band Together, Beat the Odds, and Thrive Through Adolescence" by SuEllen Hamkins and Renee Schultz.

Watch The Today Show's segment about The Mother-Daughter Project.

Labels: accountability, advisory board, commitment, making changes, mastermind, parenting, personal development, relationship, Resources, transformation

Hi there!

I hope you are enjoying your summer so far. If you are spending time outdoors on a hot day, make sure you stay in the shade and drink plenty of water. Then, hopefully you won't have to experience what I did last weekend....

Curious about what happened?

Last Saturday I went to my Tai Chi Sword class around lunch time. It was a hot sunny day, and we had the class outdoors. This is not a strenuous class and I usually breeze through it. However, lately I've been worrying about some health issues that require further tests (this is why I haven't been posting lately. I'll tell you more about it later). I think it's the combination of emotional stress and the heat that got me. I had what appeared to be a heat stroke. Since I also had chest pain and shortness of breath, I ended up spending a beautiful, sunny weekend at the hospital, and missed my son's teacher's wedding that I really looked forward to attending that afternoon. Sigh!

Fortunately, my doctor didn't think it was my heart, although I do have to follow up with some tests to clear that. So my list of medical tests to take just got a little longer. I know, it could've been MUCH worse, and I'm very, very grateful.

My doctor told me to go home and try to relax. So, this week I've been following the doctor's order and taking it easy. This is why my July newsletter will be a few days late -- I'm sure you'd understand.


The moral of the story:

1. It's not the best idea to exercise outdoors, at noon, on a hot summer day. Listen to your body, carefully.

2. When in doubt about your health, it's better safe than sorry. Don't be afraid to call 911 or send yourself to ER.

3. Care kills the cat! Stress can really wreck havoc in your physical & emotional health, your relationships, your work, and your life.

It's almost impossible to avoid stress altogether. Therefore, it's extremely important to learn how to reduce stress on a daily basis, and to have multiple stress reduction techniques in your "toolbox".

Coincidentally, our July Teleclass is ALL about stress management. My guest speaker Dr. Maria Morrato, Prescription for Bliss (www.Rx4bliss.com) will show you tips and techniques for a stress-free life.

The Teleclass is on this Friday, July 20th, and there's still time to register! This Teleclass is F.REE, but you must register to receive the conference call number. For all the details, please visit:

==> www.beyondhorizoncoaching.com/julyteleclass.html


By the way, there will be no Teleclass in August. I'm taking a much needed family vacation and some personal time. I hope you will too!

Hope to "see" you in the Teleclass on Friday! Have a wonderful weekend!


Warmly,
Hueina

P.S. Don't forget to B-R-E-A-T-H-E. :-)

Labels: Free Teleclass, health, Intensive Self-Care, Resources, stress management

Remember that beloved children's book "The Little Engine That Could"? It was one of my children's favorites when they were little. I read that book to them probably hundreds of times, and I loved reading that part where the little engine cheerily said "I think I can, I think I can....."

A lot of moms (and dads) I've worked with remind me of that little engine, only they are singing a slightly different tune. It goes like this, "I think I should, I think I should....."

I call them "The Little Engine That Should".

You have probably met such moms before. They have what I call "shouldism", that is, they strongly believe that they should be, feel, do, or have, a certain things. For example, "A good mother should always be/feel/do/have XYZ; therefore, that's what I should be/feel/do/have too." If they fail to do so, they feel extremely guilty or anxious, and beat themselves up. They are afraid that if they don't follow these self-imposed rules, others will judge them, or, something bad will happen to them (or their loved ones).

In many cases, what they buy into is limiting beliefs, or Gremlin Messages. These are usually created in childhood, but you might also pick them up from other experiences as you get older. Limiting beliefs are often based in fears, and will create more fears, guilt, shame, anxiety that hold you back, and keep you stuck in life.

When you buy into limiting beliefs that deviate from your Authentic Self, and you think you should follow the limiting beliefs, this creates a disconnect from your Authentic Self. For example, you might think your culture or society expects you to behave in a certain way, which is different from who you really are. So, in order to feel accepted, you learn to hide your true self, and behave in the way that you think is more accepted by the society. If you consistently choose not to honor your own "voice" or needs, you might become totally disconnected from your Authentic Self.

In addition, the fact that you choose to hide your true self and behave differently, shows your judgment against your Authentic Self. You are basically saying to yourself, "I'm not good enough; therefore, I must behave differently, if I want others to love and accept me". Think about it. What a huge blow to your self-esteem that is!!!

In my previous post "Home-coming to You: Reconnecting with Your Authentic Self", I wrote about such disconnect due to "shouldism", and offered action steps to help you re-discover and appreciate who you really are. In the article, I gave some examples of my coaching clients. One of them was Annie (not her real name), who had "lost" herself in the process of striving to be a good mother and good wife. She had a lot of self-imposed limiting beliefs about being a "good mother".

Here is an interesting comment I received the other day about this post. I thought this discussion would complement what I wrote here, so I would like to share with you.

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Anonymous said...

When we convince ourselves that "we must do this, or we must not do that", isn't that just the same mechanism that protect us from damaging ourselves?

Annie says she must sacrifice herself for her children. If she had no such mechanism, she could possibly be one of the reckless mothers who neglect their children.

But it's this same mechanism that holds us back.

I'd be interested to know how you could reconcile this paradox.

6/25/2007 7:25 PM

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Hueina Su said...

Hi Anonymous:

I was away for a few days, and came back to see a bunch of very interesting comments -- yours is one of them! :)

If I read it correctly, I think the mechanism you refer to is the instinct that protects us (and our children) from harms. The voice that tells us "you must do this" or "don't go there", is our intuition. Yes, you are right, it's very important to follow your intuition & instinct (your gut feeling), in many areas of life. Since there is often no black-and-white "truth" in parenting, and each child is different, I believe that each parent needs to use his/her own better judgment, stick to his/her own core values, and listen to his/her intuition.

That's not what I wrote about in this article, though. My client Annie has what I call "shouldism", which is a set of limiting beliefs you buy into, about how you should be, feel, do, have, etc. Often we buy into limiting beliefs from childhood experiences, and/or any negative experiences along the way. In Annie's case, she believes that, to qualify as a "good mother", she must sacrifice her own needs, career, personal interests, and even friendship, for her children. Her children must be the top priority in her life, all the time. If she takes time to pursue her own hobby or career, or pamper herself, she feels extremely guilty. She didn't like that feeling, but couldn't help it. That's because of the limiting beliefs she bought into about what a "good mother" should be. She told me that she felt like she had "lost" herself, in the process of striving to be a good mother. She "lost" who she really was, because of years of denying her own needs and her own "voice". That's the "disconnect from the Authentic Self" that I talked about.

I think being parents, we all make choices to give up some things for our children. That's human nature and a sign of being good parents. We all give and do things for our children, and we do it for love. But, some parents do a certain things only because they think they should or must. They are afraid of being judged (by others or by themselves), and that's where guilt comes from. If you go to the extreme -- consistently choose (or you feel like you have no choice but) to put other people's needs before your own, to the point of damaging your own physical or emotional well-being -- then I don't think that's a wise choice for your long-term well-being or your children's well-being. In fact, that's a surefire path to Nurturing Burnout, relationship problems or other issues.

I think there is a healthy balance between meeting our own needs and our children's needs. There is a line between healthy, loving relationship, and a co-dependent, sacrifice-yourself kind of relationship. In my experience, when someone uses the word "sacrifice" to describe their relationship or behavior (with their children or spouse), that's usually a sign of an "unbalanced" relationship. When you feel like you are "sacrificing" yourself (think martyr), even though your intention was all good, overtime you'll probably feel resentful. We all know what resentment can do to a relationship.... (read more about self-sacrifice in my previous post)

So, what holds us back is not our instinct/intuition. What holds us back, I think, is the limiting beliefs.

I hope I answered your question. Thanks so much for your comment!

Warmly,
Hueina
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I'd love to hear what you think!

Can you relate to The Little Engine That Should? What is the underlying belief when you say you "should" be/feel/do/have something? Is it a limiting belief? How do you feel when you think this way? How would you like to feel/behave differently?

Awareness is the first step of making changes. When you can identify your limiting beliefs, and raise your self-awareness to be able to catch yourself "in the act", you are on your way to breaking free!

Coaching can help you identify your limiting beliefs, and create new beliefs and behaviors to replace the "old tape" that's been playing in your head. Just like breaking bad habits-- you cannot just break an old habit, you have to replace it with a new one. I can help you get clear about what's holding you back, what outcome you would like to have instead, and together we can create a step-by-step action plan for you. It will take 100% commitment and hard work, but it will be worth it! I'm here for you when you are ready to take the first step.

Labels: attachment, authentic self, awareness, caregiver, coaching, conscious choice, Intensive Self-Care, parenting, personal development, priority, relationship, self love, transforming limiting beliefs