© copyright 2007 Hueina Su, Beyond Horizon CoachingLast month, my FREE Monthly Teleclass topic was "
It's about Time: Time Management for Busy Moms" (featuring my good friend, Executive Coach & Consultant
Heather Clarke-Peckerman as my guest speaker). I asked the participants to send in their one burning question or their biggest challenge about time management, and received many questions. Not surprisingly, most moms feel stressed out, overwhelmed, juggling too many competing priorities, have too many things to do with too little time, and virtually no time for themselves. If you're a mom, I bet you can probably relate to this, at least to some degree.
What surprised me was that, some of these participants were trying to wear
so many hats and doing so many things
all at once. For example, some of these moms are running two
businesses, attending school, heading PTA committee (or church Sunday school), and raising young children (some of them with special needs),
all at the same time. Let's not forget most of them also have a husband and marriage to take care of. To be honest, it makes my head spin just
reading about their lives. Is it any wonder that they are so stressed out and exhausted?!!!
It's obvious to me that some of these moms are experiencing or heading toward
Nurturing Burnout. When you spend all your time and energy taking care of others, without nurturing and recharging yourself at the same time, you will eventually experience Nurturing Burnout. You might feel emotionally drained, overwhelmed, stressed out, overly anxious, irritated, trapped, depressed, hopeless, resentful, self-pity, angry, withdrawn from social relationships, etc. Some people might fall into severe clinical depression or even become suicidal. Physically you might feel exhausted, overly sleepy or can't fall asleep, loss of appetite, or overeating, digestive problems, elevated blood pressure, neck & back pain, etc. Research has shown that chronic stress is linked to elevated risk of hypertension, cardiovascular disease, back pain, diminished immune function, obesity, etc. More and more doctors and researchers believe chronic stress is the underlying cause or risk factor for many physical and mental problems.
Burnout could greatly impact a person's physical & emotional health, relationships, work, and everyone related to him/her. When you are burned out, you can't function at your best, and everyone you care about suffer
with you. It's not difficult to see that there is much at stake here.
So, how do you avoid Nurturing Burnout? What are the proactive steps you can take today to prevent (or overcome) burnout? Here are some advice I give my clients:
1. Prioritize by Your Core ValuesIn order to have
a balanced life, you need to set your priorities straight and live by your core values. Once you can identify your top 5 core values, you can then use them as a "filter" to decide which activities or tasks you want to take on, and which ones to drop. You can then make a conscious choice about how you spend your time and energy, and focus on
what truly matters, without worrying about something important "falling through the cracks".
2. Make Intensive Self-Care a Top PriorityYou are
the most important person in your life. When you are in a nurturing position, it's even more critical to take good care of yourself. Practicing
Intensive Self-Care is not being selfish, it's an act of
self love and self respect. If you have a daughter, it's even more important to model this for her. After all, if you can't honor and respect yourself, how can you expect others to do so?
Do something good for your physical, emotional & spiritual well-being every single day. If you don't schedule time for yourself ahead of time, and guard this time as sacred, you may never find "spare time" to do it. (When was the last time you have "free time"?) This can be something small like spending a few minutes enjoying a cup of tea/coffee, taking a walk around the block, taking a bubble bath, chatting with your friend/sister, having your nails done, reading a novel (or some jokes), watching your favorite TV show (just don't veg out in front of the tube for too long), exercise (the endorphin will make you feel great), cooking your favorite dish, playing with your pet, listening to your radio (instead of your children's music) in the car, etc. Once in a while, go out with your girlfriends or book a massage (or whatever pampering you prefer). Trust me, you WILL feel a difference if you practice
Intensive Self-Care on a regular basis.
3. Practice the 3-D Principle (Do it, Delegate it or Dump it)
When you feel overwhelmed, it's a sign that you're doing too much. As a mom, it's easy to feel too "indispensable" and take on all kinds of responsibilities until you run yourself down!!! Take an honest look at your to-do list -- how many of those tasks are **
truly** necessary for YOU to do? Can someone else do some of those jobs for you? Can you hire help or barter with your friends (or other professionals) to get some tasks done?
Heather shared in her Teleclass a great example of bartering. She doesn't like to cook but loves to clean. When her boys were little, she used to team up with another mom who's just the opposite. They would do play dates at her friend's house, and while their children played, she would clean her friend's house, and her friend would give her cooked dinner to bring home. I used to have a coaching client, a massage therapist, who would give me massages in exchange for coaching. Let me tell you, it's
heavenly to have a full-body massage every week!!! (By the way, I'm looking for people to clean my house, do marketing & optimize my website for me, in exchange for coaching. Any takers?) :-)
There are many creative ways to delegate or barter with other people, so you can have less items on your to-do list. Think about your strengths and talents -- what can you offer to exchange for other people's services?
If you are a business owner, the same principle applies. Look at all the business tasks. What are the tasks that you
must do yourself? What are the ones you are good at, or actually enjoy doing? Try to focus most of your energy doing those things, and barter or hire someone else to help you with other tasks. You will be more productive and happier.
One word about housework -- get your husband and kids to do their share. They are not "helping you out", they are "sharing responsibilities" that belong to
them. One of my favorite principles is "Don't do for others what they can do for themselves". You're doing your children a disservice by
not training them to be responsible and independent individuals.
4. Learn to Say NOSetting good boundaries is essential to creating work life balance and
Intensive Self-Care. Learn to say NO to requests & tasks that are not aligned with your core values & priorities, do not move you toward your long-term goals, or not good for your physical or mental well-being (e.g. pushing yourself past your limit could break you and cause more problems down the road).
Before you take on any new tasks or responsibilities, take an honest look at your schedule, and assess how much time & energy this new project will cost you. Sometimes we take on responsibilities with a false estimate of how much time and energy they would consume, and end up overwhelming ourselves.
By the way, I did a Teleclass called "
Learning to say NO so you can say YES to your life". You can
access the Teleclass Archives on my website.
5. Learn to Let GoCan you be flexible about HOW you want things done? If you can be flexible, then there's greater chance you can delegate some tasks to someone else, and free up your precious time & energy for the tasks that
really must be done by you, and/or things that you actually enjoy doing.
I'd challenge you to look at your "have-to" and "must-do" list -- are they truly "have-to" & "must-do" for you? How many of these tasks truly have to be done by YOU and you alone??? Can some of these things wait or be done by someone else? If you really, truly have to do these by yourself, can you do them in a
different way that's easier for you? Remember, there are always more than one way of doing things.
Can you give up perfectionism? So many moms fall into the trap of trying to be the Perfect Mom or the Super Mom. Some moms I know believe that they MUST excel at work, keep a spotless house (with a couple children under age 5), be the best mom and best whatever-role-they-play. When you hold up unrealistic standards like that, it only creates stress, tension, resentment, and/or even self-hatred.
Can you do less? For example, instead of helping out with every single bake sale at school, choose only one or two that are convenient for you. Instead of demanding the house has to be spotless and dinner has to be cooked in a particular way, can you relax the standard from time to time? How about dumping some of the tasks or requests from your to-do list
altogether? When you can eliminate some "have-to's" from your to-do list, you will free up time & energy for your "want-to's".
6. Avoid Multi-TaskingWhile it's impossible to totally avoid multi-tasking, try to minimize it whenever you can. Many new studies showed that your brain actually works slower when you multi-task, because it has to stop and start to switch between tasks. Multi-tasking also increases your stress level and makes you more prone to making mistakes. Because you are distracted and switching among several tasks, you might find yourself running like crazy but not accomplishing much at the end of the day. It's very frustrating when every project is half-done and you can't cross them off your list. A better approach is to tackle the most important task for the day first (like Brian Tracy said, "Eat that frog"), and then move on to the next one.
7. Slow DownI know, this might sound counter-intuitive. When you feel overwhelmed and your life is spinning out of control, instead of trying to work faster and harder, you should try to deliberately
s-l-o-w d-o-w-n. Ideally, you want to create some "
white space" in your life, i.e. pockets of quiet time to meditate, reflect, stop and smell the roses. You want to live in the present moment, and truly be where you are at every moment.
Just like a Chinese painting needs adequate "white space" to maintain the balance, so does your life.Allow enough transition time and travel time between your appointments and activities, so you don't have to rush, and you won't be so stressed out if you hit traffic. I always keep some good books, CDs, my iPod with some Teleclass I want to listen to, water, and snacks in my purse and my car. I always pick out a book that I'm
dying to read, when I need to go to doctor's office. That way, when I'm stuck in traffic, or doctor's office, I don't feel like I'm losing time. On the contrary, I'm
gaining valuable time to read the books that I might otherwise have no time to read.
When you are coming home from work, create some kind of ritual to signal the end of your work day, and prepare yourself for the transition back to home life. Take an extra 10-15 minutes to walk in the park, stop by your favorite coffee shop, or a book store, before going home. You can also sit in your car and listen to some soothing music, meditate or read something funny. Anything to brighten your mood, before you re-join your family for the evening.
On my front door I taped a picture of a smiling cat with two Chinese sentences I copied from a story I once read. In the story, there was a couple who used to come home from work stressed and irritated, and they used to fight very often. Then the wife decided to put a wooden sign on their front door that reads, "Upon entering the door, please take off your troubles. When you come home, bring happiness with you". That's a great reminder for me and my husband to leave work at work, and don't let the stress from work "bleed" into our family life.
Above all, you need to realize that you CANNOT do everything and be everything for EVERYONE. It's OK to let go of some of the tasks, so that you have time & energy to take care of what
truly matters to you (that includes taking good care of yourself). It's OK to say NO and ask for help when you need it! Asking for support when you need it is
not a sign of inadequacy or incompetence. Rather, it's an act of
self love. You don't have to go it alone. Really.
When you can honor your own needs and priorities, ask for support when you need it, take proactive steps to eliminate stress and nurture yourself on a regular basis, you will be able to avoid Nurturing Burnout, safeguard your well-being and, in the long run, the well-being of your loved ones.
I hope you find these tips helpful. You can download your
FREE Intensive Self-Care Kit from
my website. Please feel free to
contact me if you need additional support or coaching. I'm here for you when you are ready.
Labels: caregiver, conscious choice, Intensive Self-Care, learn to say no, personal development, priority, setting boundaries, stress management, time management, work life balance
(one of my favorite books about love, especially self-love, self-acceptance and relationships). He said that our heart is like a Magic Kitchen which can produce ANY food your heart desires. When you have a Magic Kitchen, you can have any food you want and you can give it freely to anyone around you. You feed others just for the joy of sharing your food -- no strings attached. If someone tries to offer you some pizza so that in return he/she can control your life, so you would have to be good to him/her, you would NOT be enticed at all, because you can have ANY food you want from your own Magic Kitchen.
, a great book I am currently reading), I am naturally drawn to many interests, I LOVE learning, and learn everything quickly. Scanners want to do everything they love, all at once. I never read just one book at a time-- I always read several books at the same time, and sometimes only read the parts that I'm interested in. I work in spurs, and I'm most effective when I am working on something I am passionate about. On the other hand, I also tend to move from project to project-- once I get what I want (or want to learn), I move on to the next thing. Knowing my own style of learning and working is important. Since I'm always working on several projects at the same time, I allow myself to move from project to project every day, unless I'm trying to meet a deadline. By following my bliss, and working with my natural tendency (instead of against it), I am always working on the project that I am most passionate about at the moment. This makes me happy and more productive..jpg)