Most people are either looking for love in all the wrong places, or entering/staying in a relationship for the wrong reasons. There is one single most important relationship you need to work on, in order to ensure happiness in all of your other relationships.
"Many of us have at some time dreamt of owning one of those magic purses that would never be empty. No matter how much money we would draw from it, it would remain full! As it turns out, we already have such a contraption in us and this one's worth a lot more than a trillion enchanted wallets. Our heart can love 24-hours a day without ever running empty. As a matter of fact, the more love we pass to others, the more love we'll have!" -- Author Unknown
The other day I received this quote that reminds me of the "Magic Kitchen" metaphor don Miguel Ruiz described in his book The Mastery of Love: A Practical Guide to the Art of Relationship: A Toltec Wisdom Book
(one of my favorite books about love, especially self-love, self-acceptance and relationships). He said that our heart is like a Magic Kitchen which can produce ANY food your heart desires. When you have a Magic Kitchen, you can have any food you want and you can give it freely to anyone around you. You feed others just for the joy of sharing your food -- no strings attached. If someone tries to offer you some pizza so that in return he/she can control your life, so you would have to be good to him/her, you would NOT be enticed at all, because you can have ANY food you want from your own Magic Kitchen.Now, imagine that your heart is a kitchen and the food is love. If your kitchen is empty and you are starving, you will most likely take the pizza from anyone who offers it. Once you taste that pizza, that person controls your life, and you'll be in constant worry that the person who gives you the pizza is going to give the pizza to someone else.
By the same token, if you are starving for love, you are going to do whatever it takes to get the love from someone else. Since you are depending on someone else for love, you never feel secure, and you worry that you are not good enough to keep the love you received. You become needy and dependent. You try to please the other person, and you fail. Then you try to find another person and do the same thing, but the problem will never be solved. Because the problem is NOT that the other person rejects you; the problem is that you judge & reject yourself.
I've seen so many people who keep dating the same type of mate that's wrong for them. They might date someone because they are trying to "rescue" them (from alcohol, drugs, or other problems). Or, they try to sacrifice themselves to prove their love for their partner. They are totally unaware of their own pattern, and why they keep falling for the wrong type of mate. However, as a life coach, I can see very clearly that many of them are trying to get love, acceptance and approval from the people they are with. Or, they might try to prove their own self-worth by being needed by others (this could be their mate, children, friends, and/or coworkers). Again, the underlying motive is to prove their own self-worth, because deep down they don't believe they deserve to be loved.
The root cause for such self-judgement and low self-esteem is negative self-talk & programming (the "Inner Critic"). For example, "you're not smart enough", "you're not pretty enough", "you don't deserve to be loved", "you're no good for anything", "you are an impostor", "nobody will ever love you as soon as they find out who you really are", "you will never amount to anything", etc. The bottom line of these messages is "you are not good enough". These negative messages usually formed in your past (often in your childhood). They are what I call Gremlin Messages. These are the "inner blocks" that very often hold you back, and prevent you from taking risks and going full-speed after your goals. They are like old ghosts from your past that haunt your life. A professional life coach is trained to detect these Gremlin Messages, and can help you overcome & transform them.
When you are controlled by your Gremlin Messages, it's very hard to love and appreciate yourself. When you don't even have enough love for yourself, how can you expect to share love with someone else? You might try to get the love you don't have from someone else. Or, if you are the one who's giving the pizza, you might feel entitled to control the other person's life. You are searching for "someone who needs me" to justify your self-worth, or you are looking for someone you can control. Either way, you are giving your love for very selfish reasons, with very unrealistic expectations, and you wonder why your relationship has all kinds of problems!
I think most relationship dramas and suffering come from lack of unconditional self-love & acceptance, and the need to control other people or things that we simply cannot control. The only person you can control is yourself. You cannot control how other people think, feel or behave. That's ultimately their choice, not yours. When you go into a relationship thinking you can change your partner into someone you like, or have him/her behave in a certain way, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and unhappiness.
If you have a Magic Kitchen, that is, if your heart is full of love, you wouldn't need other people's food (love) to survive. You love and accept yourself completely. NO ONE can use any special food to try to control your life or your feelings. You would have enough love for yourself, and can give the love freely to anyone around you. And you give your love for the joy of sharing your love, NOT because you're trying to get something in return, or use it to control someone else.
We all have a Magic Kitchen like this inside of us, but most of us are either not aware of it, forget it's there, or don't know how to keep it fully-stocked. We keep looking elsewhere for food and for love, without realizing that all we have to do is open the door to our own Magic Kitchen and look inside -- it refills itself automatically.
The most important relationship in your life is the relationship with yourself. It's not about being selfish or self-centered. It's about self love, the greatest love of all. When you have unconditional love for yourself, you don't need other people's love, approval, or how much they need you to justify your self-worth. You are complete and happy all on your own. Then, when you go into a relationship, you don't go into it because you need to be loved. It becomes a choice, a conscious choice. You are free to choose someone you want, and you can love & appreciate who they really are. Only then will you have the total freedom to share and enjoy the love in your relationship. Only then will you be truly happy in a relationship.
Action Challenge:
- What do you love about yourself? What quality, characteristics, talents, skills, special gifts, do you love about yourself? Make a list-- elaborate and be as specific as possible. If you have a journal, it's a great idea to write these in your journal, so you can refer back to them whenever you need a boost. If you can't think of anything (it's not uncommon for those who have very low self-esteem), ask a few good friends what they love about you.
- In what ways do you judge yourself? What does your Gremlin ("inner critic") say about you?
- How true are these Gremlin Messages? Play detective and find at least one evidence that your Gremlin Messages are not true. Again, if you are drawing blank, ask your good friends or your life coach to help you with this. If you are unsure of what to do, I'll be happy to help you with this.
- What new, empowering messages can you use to replace these Gremlin Messages?
- Pay close attention to when your old Gremlin Messages show up, make a conscious choice to replace it with the new, empowering message that you decided on in advance. This will take a lot of practice, but, if you make consistent efforts, eventually, your new message will replace the old Gremlin Messages. You will eventually be able to break free from these Gremlin Messages that are haunting your life.
Labels: authentic self, conscious choice, empowerment, getting support, inspiration, Intensive Self-Care, making changes, personal development, relationship, transforming limiting beliefs
Hueina: great article. I read the book years ago, together with the 4 Agreements, and enjoyed both very much.