© copyright 2007 Hueina Su, Beyond Horizon Coaching

A few months ago, when Prince Harry made front page news for making a scene at a party, I felt terrible for Princess Diana. Being a mother myself, I couldn't help but think how awful Princess Diana would've felt if she were still alive. She had sacrificed so much to give her sons a "normal" life, and I'm sure she had made her best efforts to raise them to be honorable, outstanding human beings. She probably would've felt disappointed and broken-hearted to see her son behave so badly in public. I know I would.

Now, Paris Hilton is in jail, and judging from the audience's reaction on Connon O'Brian's show last night, everyone was pleased to see that. I remember on the day she was sentenced to jail, a TV news reporter said he was sitting in the courtroom, and saw how stunned her parents were. I can only imagine how humiliating that must have been for her parents! To be honest, if I behaved like that when I was younger, my parents most likely would've disowned me.

I think parenting is one "risky business". It's one of those jobs that has very unpredictable ROI, and could potentially leave you in tremendous emotional pain and/or financial ruin. I'm sure you have seen or known many great parents with terrible children (and vice versa). So, what's a parent to do?

We love our children and wish nothing but the best for them. We try to be the best parents we could be, and try to teach our children to be a great person. We try to instill the moral and core values such as love, respect, integrity, honesty, courtesy, work ethic, compassion, etc. However, in order to keep your sanity and peace of mind, you have to understand and accept that no matter how much you love your children, your children are separate and independent human beings from you. Despite your best intention and parenting efforts, your children may or may not turn out the way you would like them to be. Your children have free will and their own mind. You cannot control anyone's thoughts, feelings and/or behaviors. All you can control is yourself.

That's why I recommend that you practice "detached involvement" when it comes to parenting. It does not mean that you withhold your love, affection, or parenting efforts for your children. It means that you do your best to love and raise your children, but, be detached from the outcome.

Let me give you an example of detached involvement. Years ago when I was a registered nurse, I took care of many terminal patients (cancers and other diseases). I lost both of my grandparents to cancers when I was in high school, so I always feel for cancer patients and their families. When you take care of a patient for a while and build a good relationship, it's heart-breaking to know that he/she is losing the battle and there's nothing you can do to change that outcome. For a while I used to go home physically and emotionally exhausted, and dreaded going to work because some of my patients might have passed away while I was not there. I knew it was not my fault or anyone's fault, but I couldn't help but feel depressed. Then, gradually, I came to acknowledge my own feelings, and accept that I simply could not control or change the fact that my patients were terminally ill. They were dying, and it has nothing to with my nursing skills or who I am. All I could do was give them the best care I could, and I had to let go of trying to control the outcome, if I were to have any peace of mind.

It took me a while to learn that lesson, and I'm so glad I did. The ability to practice detached involvement has helped me tremendously in my roles as counselor, certified life coach, business owner, and mother.

I think this skill is critical for all parents, as well as professionals such as teachers, therapists, health care providers, business owners. When you are in these roles, it's hard not to feel attached and responsible for the outcome (of your children, students, patients, or your business). When you have invested so much in a relationship/job, it's only human nature to feel sad and disappointed when things don't turn out the way you've hoped for. However, it is critical for your own well-being to understand what you can and cannot control, to let go the need to control the outcome, and to stop beating yourself up if things didn't work out despite your best efforts.

When you think about it, this principle applies to practically all relationships and projects. Whenever you go into a relationship or take on a project, you can have the best intention, make the best action plan and try to execute the plan to your best capacity. However, there's always something you cannot control, especially when there is another person involved. Sometimes there are things beyond anyone's control. As a result, things might not turn out according to your plan, despite your best efforts. After all, there are a lot of things beyond your control. As the Chinese proverb goes, "Man proposes but God disposes".

This is not an excuse to blame others for failed relationships and projects. You are 100% responsible for your own actions, feelings, the choices you make, and the consequences that come as a result. However, you are not responsible for someone else's thoughts, feelings, actions, and the choices they make.

Practicing detached involvement does not mean that you would withhold your efforts to avoid disappointment. As I wrote earlier, in the case of parenting, you would still try to love and educate your children as best as you could. That's every parent's responsibility. However, you have little control over how your children respond to your teaching, and how they choose to live their lives. Be aware of the "false responsibilities" you take on, and the underlying limiting beliefs or Gremlin Messages that make you take on such "false responsibilities" (read more about this in my previous post "Is your life haunted?")

My point is, if you have made your best efforts, and things didn't work out, there's no point in beating yourself up. It's important to acknowledge and validate your feelings (disappointment, anger, resentment, sadness, etc). Denying your own feelings will only make you feel worse. Instead, find a way to release these feelings, by writing in a journal, meditating, talking to friends, family, your life coach or therapist, etc. Accept that there's something beyond your control, make peace with the outcome, take the lesson learned, and move on.

Action Challenge:

Next time you are embarking on a new project or relationship, take these steps to practice detached involvement:

• State your intention -- What do you intend to experience in this process?
  
• Create a vision -- What's your desired outcome?
  
• Create an action plan to achieve your desired outcome
  
• Identify and seek out support you need -- Who can help you achieve your desired outcome? What resources do you need? How do you get such support?
  
• Identify what you can & cannot control in this relationship/project -- Awareness is the first step of making changes
  
• Use daily affirmations to reinforce your intention and vision, and follow your action plan to work on what you can control -- make your best efforts
  
• Use affirmations, meditation or prayers to release what you cannot control-- Make a conscious choice to let go your need to control the outcome. Ask your Higher Self, the Universe, or God, to take care of what you cannot control. Ask for guidance and inner peace
  
• Make it your intention to make peace with whatever outcome you receive -- Have faith that everything happens for a reason, and there is a lesson or opportunity to grow in every situation. Look for blessings in disguise. Take the lesson, make peace, and move on

P.S. This post was included in the following blog carnivals:
The Thirteenth Healthy & Fit Family at Baby Lune
The Personal Development Carnival at Live The Power
Meditation, Yoga and Spiritual Growth Carnival at Kundalini Yoga
Carnival of Work at Home Moms and Dads Edition #3at Julie Anne Bonner
Change of Shift: Volume 1, Number 26 at Nurse Ratched's Place
Arsenal of Goals & Plans: The Carnival at Productivity Goal
Towards Better Life Carnival #10 at Victor-Fam.com
Carnival of the Storytellers 11th Edition at Digital Rich Daily
The Carnival of Family Life #58 at MamaBlogga
A Religious Wave at Only Three Notes
A Different Prayer - 5th Edition at Joysoriano.com
Pregnancy Carnival at Nerd Family
All Things Medical Carnival at Rdoctor.com

Labels: awareness, conscious choice, letting go, making changes, managing emotions, parenting, personal development, perspective, relationship, transforming limiting beliefs