© copyright 2007 Hueina Su, Beyond Horizon Coaching

Joan* came to me because she was unhappy with her job. She has worked as an accountant for many years, and has become bored with the job. She is good at what she does, and makes a good living, however, she kept thinking that her life could be so much more than just being an accountant. On the other hand, she was hesitant to make a career change, worrying that the change could negatively impact her husband and 3 young children. Most importantly, when I asked her what career she would like to pursue, she was drawing blank. In fact, she couldn't even tell me what her passion was or what she enjoyed doing.

Michelle* is a successful physician -- on the outside. On the inside, though, she is heading toward burnout. Her escape is daydreaming about opening her own cafe someday, but, of course, she doesn't have the gut to go for it. Her reason is, she has invested so much time & money (look at the huge student loan!) in medicine that she doesn't want to give up, and doesn't feel that she has any choice but to continue (even though she is miserable). And besides, she doesn't really know what else she could do besides being a physician.

Annie* is a stay-at-home mom with two school-age children. She told me that she is a proud mother, her children are doing very well, and her marriage is good, but, recently she has felt more and more unhappy when she thought about her life. "I mean, everybody knows me as so-and-so's mom, or so-and-so's wife, and that's it." She said, "Nobody seems to know who I am without my husband and kids. The scary thing is, neither do I." As her children get older, Annie becomes more anxious about what to do with herself when her children are all grown-up.

What these women are suffering from is identity crisis, among other things. They have somehow become so disconnected from their Inner Self, or Authentic Self, that they have "lost" themselves while pursuing professional success or going through life transitions.

One of the issues all 3 women share is that they have become too attached to their role/job, and all the expectations that come with such a role/job. Some of these expectations might even be self-imposed. For example, Michelle thinks that everyone should pick a career path and stick with it until retirement, and that's why she should stick to medicine. She also worries that if she gives up her prestigious career, everyone will lose respect for her. Annie, on the other hand, believes that in order to be a good mother, she must sacrifice her own career and personal interest for her children.

Can you relate to this kind of thinking?

Whenever we say we should or must do something or feel/behave in a certain way, we are judging ourselves. We are saying that there is something wrong with whatever we are currently feeling/doing, and that's why we need to change (for someone else's sake).

When you judge yourself this way, either consciously or unconsciously, on a regular basis, you are denying your Authentic Self, and damaging your self-esteem. If you keep ignoring your true feelings and that "small, still voice" inside of you (your intuition), overtime, you would become totally disconnected from your Authentic Self.

I always say that awareness is the first step of change. So, now that you are aware of your issue, what can you do to re-connect with your Authentic Self? Here are a few coaching questions to get you started on the "homecoming" journey:


Who are you?

Your tendency is probably to answer this with your job title or the roles you play (mother, daughter, sister, friend, etc.). Instead of these answers, try to come up with a description of who YOU really are as a person.


What qualities do you have?

Try to come up with some characteristics that best describe you. If you are drawing blank, you can ask a few good friends or your family to help you. You might be pleasantly surprised by how other people perceive you. Now, be careful not to pass judgements on any of the characteristics that others tell you. Many qualities can be perceived as either positive or negative traits. For example, your friends might think your attention to details is a positive trait, but you see it as being a perfectionist (which often holds you back). Or, you might be spontaneous & fun-loving, yet others might see you as impulsive. The point is to find your traits without judging them.


What do you like about yourself? Why? What are your strengths?

Now, look at all the traits you have identified, which ones are your strengths? Why do you think these qualities are positive for you? What are you good at doing?


What do you dislike about yourself? Why? How might you look at it differently?

As I said, most personallity traits can be perceived as either positive or negative. It all depends on how you interpret them. Can you reframe how you look at your less-favorable traits? Sometimes there's a blessing in disguise. For example, you might find that in the process of trying to compensate for these traits, you become stronger or more patient as a result.


What do you enjoy doing? What's fun for you?

Think about the kind of activities you love so much that, when you do them, time seems to disappear. If you have trouble answering these questions, recall what you liked as a child. What did you most enjoy doing back then? What did you want to do when you grow up?


What's your purpose/mission in life? What are you passionate about?

What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind? What kind of job would you love to do, even if you would never get paid?


When you can figure out who you are, and what you love to do, then you can take proactive steps to honor your Authentic Self and your needs. Now that you have clarity about who you are, you can make conscious choices about what you want to do. Create an action plan to incorporate these activities into your daily life, and/or long-term goals. Perhaps you need to change your career or relationships. Perhaps all you need is schedule regular ME time to recharge and do something you love. The more you can honor and nurture your Authentic Self, the more joy and peace will flow in your life.

"All that you need
in order to have total happiness,
fulfillment, and love in your life
you already have right now,
whoever you are, wherever you are."
-- Dr. Wayne Dyer, American Author and Inspirational Speaker

If you need any additional feedback on your specific challenge, you are always welcome to contact me.

* not their real names


This post was included in the following blog carnivals:
Carnival of Healing #87 at Reiki Blogger
Carnival of Career Intensity at Career Intensity
Carnival of Creative Growth #7 at Energies of Creation
A Different Prayer 4th Edition at Joysoriano.com
Carnival of Work at Home Moms and Dads Edition #2 at Jullie Anne Bonner
Brain Blogging, 10th Edition at GNIF Brain Blogger
Meditation, Yoga and Spiritual Growth Carnival at Kundalini Yoga
Carnival of Leadership Development at Mabeland Harry
Carnival of Female Talent at The Podcast Sisters

Labels: authentic self, awareness, coaching, conscious choice, making changes, personal development, self love, spirituality