It was the New Jersey International Wushu Tournament. I was competing in the long fist forms division. All eyes were on me and the other competitor on the floor with me. Even though I only had 3 weeks of practice before the tournament, I was feeling great and doing well with my form.

Then my worst nightmare happened.

I remember glancing at the other competitor on the floor with me and noticed she had finished her form. We performed different forms, and hers was so much shorter than mine. I remember thinking to myself: "Wow, she is already done? I'm only half way through my form!" When you are competing in tournaments, martial arts or otherwise, it's extremely important to stay 100% focused and not pay attention to other competitors. However, for a second or two, I was thinking about the other woman and took my focus off my own form. Before I knew it, it happened.

There I was, standing in the middle of the gym, all eyes on me, and I went BLANK. It was like an out-of-body experience. I couldn't think. I dared not look around. I didn't even remember the last move I did. My mind was blank except the scream in my head that grew louder and louder: "Oh my God!!! OH MY GOD!!!"

Years ago, I competed in state and regional tournaments, won many gold & silver medals, and this had never happened to me. Of course, I had always allowed at least 3 months to train for any tournaments, and had my form down completely. This time, however, I only had 3 weeks to prepare, and I didn't even mean to compete in the first place!

Three months ago, my children started learning Wushu, one of many styles of Chinese Kung Fu. They both picked it up quickly, and seeing how much fun they were having, I decided to join them. Taking Wushu became one of our shared interests and fun time together. When the tournament was announced, I didn't think my children had enough training and there was just not enough time to prepare. However, a few weeks later, when I heard a bunch of other kids from our school were going to compete, I re-considered and decided to sign them up. Since we only had 3 weeks left until the tournament, I decided to train with them. My intention was to learn the form so I could help them. Ironically, my children learned the form so quickly while I was struggling at the beginning to memorize the moves. The first training session, we were taught 45 moves, some of them brand new to us, and that's only less than half of the entire form!! The Gremlin in my head was screaming "NO WAY! I can't possibly learn ALL this!! I can't do it!! Nobody can get ready for tournament in 3 weeks!! This is totally CRAZY!!"

On top of that, my body was screaming too!! Before learning Wushu, I had not trained or exercised much at all for more than a year. I kind of "let myself go" and my physical fitness and energy level really suffered. Even though I still looked thin, I was really out of shape compared to my old self. My body was hurting and I couldn't breathe right. I felt defeated and sad that I've let myself go.

Every training session, my Gremlin continued to bombard me with "I CAN'T" messages. I had to keep telling him to shut up and keep telling myself I can do this!! It's like a silent screaming match up there!! The Black Belt in me gradually woke up and I was determined to learn this form. I continued to struggle and train every day, and finally, my mind and body "clicked" and I learned the form. Finally I was able to do the entire form on my own and without running out of breath. My confidence grew when I realized that my form was not bad at all. As the tournament came up, the excitement drew me in. The day before the tournament, I decided to compete. I was feeling great on the tournament day, even though I still had a trace of doubt and fear that I might forget my form. I even visualized holding the medal in my hand.

It doesn't matter now. I was totally STUCK!! It felt like I was stuck there for ETERNITY!! (Actually, when I watched the video afterward, that moment was less than 3 seconds, but it sure FELT like eternity when it happened.)

I had watched my children compete earlier and they both did very well, even though it was their very first martial arts tournament. They didn't forget their forms at all. Now it was my turn, and I was the one forgetting! Am I going to cry like the other kids who also forgot their forms? How embarrassing!! How do I get myself out of this? I wish I could just disappear and erase everybody's memory of watching my form, but that wasn't one of my super powers.

After what felt like eternity, I somehow put myself back together and finished my form. SO glad it was over!! I cringed as the judges gave out the scores. It was not bad at all, despite my mistake. Whew!! What a relief!!

In the end, my daughter won a silver medal, and I got a gold. It was my daughter's very first medal and she was overjoyed!! Both my daughter and son have worked very hard for this tournament and I'm SO proud of them!!

I'm very proud of myself too. Out of all my gold medals, this one is very special. Not only did I challenge myself and accomplished what seemed to be Mission Impossible, I proved to myself that I could still triumph after a HUGE mistake. The old me would have felt so embarrassed and ashamed that I would have been completely paralyzed. But the new me focused on "How do I get myself out of this?" My mind had to quickly switch to problem-solving mode and it got me unstuck.

In addition, the referee that was in charge of giving out medals made a mistake, and did not give my gold medal to me. The old me would have assumed that they were right and cost myself a gold medal. However, I decided to speak up and double-check. As it turned out, I was not the only one who almost missed my medal. Two other children in my school were supposed to win gold and silver medals! I'm so proud of myself for speaking up!!

The biggest lesson I have learned is that I must put myself in the game in order to win. If I had listened to my Gremlin, I would've believed that it was impossible for me to learn the form or get ready for the tournament in 3 weeks. I would have given up before the tournament and probably even talked my children out of it. If I didn't believe in myself, I wouldn't have decided to compete at all, and my chance of winning any medal would have been ZERO.

How about you? Do you stay in the game with full commitment and determination? Do you stick to the end, no matter what setbacks you encounter? Or do you let your Gremlin take you out of the game before it even starts?

More importantly, who do you need to be, in order to win the prize?

Labels: empowerment, Hueina Su, success