Tonight my husband and I, along with our children, went out to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. Our anniversary was yesterday, but, we got snowed in. So the celebration moved to today. We went to a restaurant famous for garlic-infused dishes, and the four of us had a wonderful time.

I couldn't help but feel so grateful and blessed -- for my health, my sweet husband, my beautiful children, my loving parents, my sisters and cousins who keep me sane, my dear friends who are always there for me, colleagues and clients who adore me, and I get to do what I love for a living, using my unique gifts and talents, and calling the shots.

My life was not always like this, though. I felt moved to tell you this story of mine that I almost never told anyone. Somehow I felt that someone -- maybe you, or someone you know -- needs to hear my story. You will know if that's the case.

Seventeen years ago, I was on the verge of killing myself.

I was in graduate school, going through a particularly troublesome relationship. The guy I was dating cheated on me, with a girl I knew. In fact, all my roommates and other girlfriends knew about this, but, nobody told me. Imagine my shock when I found out the truth! The guy decided to break up with both of us. What's worse, my roommates were friends with the other girl, and they both rushed to comfort her, leaving me alone. They told me that she was totally heartbroken and hysterical. Their reason was, I was "the strong one" and the other girl needed their help more. Totally ridiculous, isn't it?

All of a sudden, I lost my boyfriend, roommates and most of my girlfriends. I felt too embarrassed to tell my parents or sisters, since none of them "approved" the guy to begin with (Besides, they were hundreds and thousands of miles away). You see, he was the third guy who cheated on me within 3 years. After the first two, my self-esteem got so low that I thought if I picked a guy who's "below my level", he would truly appreciate me and not cheat on me. Let me tell you, it only made me feel so much worse to be dumped by a sub-standard guy.

What's worse, I found out soon afterwards that he secretly got back with the other girl. Feeling totally betrayed, humiliated and alone, I fell into the deep abyss of depression. I was drowning in self-pity and self-hatred. What is wrong with ME? Why wouldn't he choose me? I went to see a counselor on campus, but it wasn't very helpful. I couldn't focus in school, and could barely function. On many occasions, I thought of killing myself, but couldn't bare the thought of hurting my parents this way. That winter seemed so cold and never-ending.

In times like this, you know who your true friends are. What saved me from a total breakdown was a group of guy friends whom I played tennis with every weekend. Unlike girlfriends, guys don't ask me to talk about my feelings, unless I choose to. The truth is, they were probably too afraid to ask me. They simply kept me company without probing. We continued to play tennis, play cards, and go to movies, as if nothing happened. Silly as it sounds, that's the part of my life that remained "normal", and I desperately needed that. I don't think they realized how much they had helped me. I'm forever grateful for them.

Back then, I rented a small room with an entire wall of windows. Somehow I got interested in gardening and planted many potted plants in my room, where I stayed most of my spare time. It felt like therapy, I guess, to take care of the plants and see them grow. At least some of us were getting the TLC and unconditional love.

I continued to wade through the thick fog of depression like a living dead. This went on for months, until one morning. I woke up to a sun-filled room. The sunbeam shined brightly through the windows onto the baby green leaves of my ivy. It was so beautiful, and full of life.

Somehow, something inside of me woke up. I looked around my room, at myself, and felt totally ridiculous. The world is so beautiful, and I have so much to be grateful for. How could I be thinking of killing myself? Then, I felt FURIOUS!! What am I doing?!! How did I let myself go so far, for a guy that's a total jerk? He does not deserve my love at all. My anger finally woke me up, and made me see the truth.

I deserve SO much more.

That was one of the most important turning points in my life. I realized that I was attracting all the wrong guys, because I had very low self-worth and self-esteem. My years of studying psychology helped me see the root cause and patterns of my problem. You see, growing up, my parents never covered their disappointment about the fact that I am a girl (they wanted a boy). I felt like no matter how hard I tried, I was never good enough for them. In order to keep me from being distracted by boys (so I would study hard), my parents also told me that I was not pretty at all, which I believed for more than 20 years. Can you see why I had such low self-esteem and trouble in relationships?

That morning, however, something inside of me changed. I knew I had two choices -- either continuing on the self-destruction path, or, go the other direction and make some changes. I didn't know what coaching was back then, but, I basically coached myself through it. I decided to move on, and never to see that guy again. Instead of diving in another new relationship as I used to, I decided to focus on nurturing myself and building myself up again. I decided to make myself happy.

Looking back, that was the time I turned inwards, and embarked on my own journey of self-awareness and spiritual understanding. I found joy and peace. More importantly, I found myself.

A few years later, I was married to my husband and our daughter was just born. I ran into the other girl on the street one day. We just said hello and good-bye. You know when you are completely over someone. They do not affect you any more. I felt totally at peace. I heard that she married that guy, and I hope they have a happy life. Even though it was extremely painful, if it weren't for them, I might not have gone through my transformation and found my happiness.

I firmly believe that it was my choice to focus on building myself back then that made all the difference. I got fed up, got angry, and turned my life around.

What about you? Are you fed up yet? If your life is not working no matter how hard you try, or, if you seem to get so close to what you want only to lose it again, I strongly recommend that you look at your inner landscape and work on building yourself first. Your outer world is a true reflection of your inner landscape. When you have low self-esteem, undeserving mentality, and/or self-defeating beliefs, it's much more difficult to attract and KEEP what you desire.

Someone once said that in order to achieve your goal, you need to become the person who owns that goal. In other words, you need to build yourself up, from the inside out, to match your goal. Coaching is an effective process to change your inner landscape, so you can build yourself up to achieve your goals. A great coach can help you see your unique gifts and talents, and what's possible for you. I'm blessed to have worked with several exceptional coaches in the past few years, who helped me see who I am and what I'm truly capable of, and that has made a HUGE difference in my business and in my life.

If you have not experienced coaching, I strongly recommend that you give yourself this gift. I'm offering a 12-week group coaching program New Year's Coaching Intensive. We will work on the "inner work" as well as the "outer work" during our 12-week program. Get all the details here.

Listen to the Teleclass Beyond New Year's Resolutions -- learn the 5 Master Keys to achieving your goals. Then sign up for my 12-week coaching intensive.

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Labels: awareness, coaching, conscious choice, healing, inner peace, Intensive Self-Care, letting go, love, relationship, self love