You know how couples seem to have their own secret language, or speak in "code"? If you are in a relationship or marriage, you've probably experienced the positive and/or negative impacts of the secret language of relationships.

Unfortunately, as a professional life coach (and former family counselor), I've seen so many clients and people I personally know suffer from the negative consequences of such code-speaking. The most common scenario is that couples tend to believe that their mate can read their mind. It goes like this: If he/she loves/cares/knows enough about me, he/she SHOULD know how I feel, what I want, and what he/she SHOULD do to make me happy AT ALL TIMES. And this doesn't just apply to intimate relationships. It applies to ALL other social relationships as well, eg. your relationships with your parents, kids, friends, boss, co-workers, etc. Can you relate to this?

Sometimes we don't speak our mind because we are afraid of hurting our mate's feelings, or being rejected. That's understandable. However, if you don't tell your mate what you need, how you feel and what you think, you might end up not having your needs met, and feeling resentful toward your mate. Needless to say, your relationship as well as your mental health will suffer. If the situation continues and produces enough stress in your life, your physical health will suffer too!

The trick is, you can be assertive in a nice way -- with respect and compassion. Instead of saying "You NEVER help out with housework", you can say "I'm really tired today. Could you please help me with laundry tonight?" Using "I Statements" (sentenses that begins with "I") to express your feelings and your opinions, instead of "You Statements", can significantly reduce the risk of making the other person defensive, and as a result get your point across more effectively.

Also, be very careful about using words like "never" and "always" when you point out the behavoir you don't like about your mate. These words makes your statement sounds like a personal attack, rather than dealing with the specific behavoir/event you do not like. You know how you react (instead of "respond") to a personal attack. When you take it personally and get defensive, it's almost impossible to listen to the other person's point of view.

Linda Freeman (TherapyDoc), a clinical social worker/family therapist, illustrates in details (with lots of examples and dialogues) about this phenomenon in her article Speaking in Code: Marital Secret Language. She stresses that, although CODE can be sexy for couples, "We marital therapists stress direct, clear, good communication.... Err on the side of Over-Communication. Leave no message to chance." She said we need to "Talk, talk, talk. Clarify, clarify, clarify until your lover says, Oh, Shut UP ALREADY. I GET YOU".

I can't agree more.

Next time when you see/hear something you don't like, instead of getting all upset & launch your counter-attack right away, ask questions to clarify what your mate really means with his/her words or actions. Use "I Statements" to express your feelings, opinions and concerns. And talk, talk, talk, until you both understand each other and/or come up with a feasible solution.


"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -- Dr. Seuss

Labels: communication, relationship, transforming limiting beliefs