After years of sticking to the basic network channels, we have recently installed satellite TV, so we can watch Chinese programs. My "ulterior motive" was to spark the interest of Chinese language and culture for my children, by exposing them to Chinese TV programs. Well, the jury is still out on this one, but I got some insights from the Chinese soap operas that I'd like to share with you.

My husband and I were watching this show about a group of young people who have complicated relationships -- you know, A loves B and B loves C, that sort of thing. Some of them are secretly loving someone, but wouldn't express their feelings, because they think "the other person" is better at providing happiness for the person they love, and therefore they should "sacrifice" themselves for the best interest of the one they love. Of course, there's all the guilt, "should's", insecurity, and regrets. All of them act like they are not worthy of love, and their happiness & self-worth are entirely dependant on whether or not they receive the love from someone else.

"Oh, come on!", I exclaimed in disbelief, "This is the 21st Century! They are still showing this kind of story on TV??!!!"

If you know anything about Chinese culture, you'd know that "self sacrifice" is highly admirable, even expected, especially for women. Men are also expected to self sacrifice, but usually only for a higher cause, like family honor, the emperor, or their country. The bottomline is, most people avoid being perceived as selfish at all cost, and they put their own happiness & self-worth at the mercy of others.

After 17 years of living in the US, I know that Chinese is not the only group that have this kind of values & beliefs. We are all more alike than different from each other.

It reminds me of a story that don Miguel Ruiz (author of "The Four Agreements") told in his book "The Mastery of Love". In the story, a man and a woman were in love. They loved, respected & appreciated each other for who they really are. They had fun and enjoyed their time together. There was no envy, jealousy, and no trying to control or possess each other. Then one day, the man's heart was so full of love & joy that a miracle happened. When he looked at the beautiful night sky, he found the brightest, most beautiful star. His love is so big that the star started to descend and landed on his palm. At that moment, his soul merged with that star. He was so happy that he couldn't wait to see the woman and put the star in her hand to prove his love for her.

However, when he put the star in her hand, she felt a moment of doubt. This love was too overwhelming. The moment she felt that, the star fell from her hand, and broke into a million little pieces..... The man was heart-broken, and swore that love doesn't exist. The woman was heart-broken too, for she lost the paradise she once had, due to a brief moment of doubt.

Who made the mistake? Don Miguel Ruiz said, the mistake was on the man's part, thinking he could give the woman his happiness (the star). The truth is, happiness can only come from within us, not outside of us. They were happy before because of the love inside of themselves. As soon as he put his star in her hand, he was making her responsible for his happiness, and nobody can be responsible for another person's happiness. That's why she had the moment of doubt and broke the star.

The truth is, you will never be happy unless you have enough love for yourself. Sadly, most of us are like the man in the story, trying to give our precious star to someone else, and desperately hoping they will love us back and make us happy.

Instead of looking outward for love, I invite you to practice Intensive Self-Care, which is an act of self-love. What is Intensive Self-Care? I define it as taking good care of yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually. It includes (but not limited to) beliefs & behaviors such as loving & accepting yourself unconditionally, respecting yourself, honoring your own needs, having regular "Me Time" for yourself and things you enjoy, eating a balanced diet, having enough sleep, exercising regularly, having annual physicals, having quality relationships (family, friends, colleagues, life coach, mentors) that support you, managing your time according to your core values & priorities, knowing how to ask for what you want, asking for help when you need it, honoring & pursuing your dreams, knowing how to say "No" and stand up for yourself, etc.

Intensive Self-Care is NOT being selfish and it's NOT a luxury, but rather an essential practice for your survival and overall well-being. It's especially critical if you are in a nurturing role, either in your personal or professional life. It's like putting on your own oxygen mask FIRST before you help others put on theirs, when the plane hits turbulance in mid-air. You wouldn't be of much use to your loved ones if you didn't put on your own oxygen mask and couldn't function at 100%. You could even end up stressed out, burned out, or have dis-ease.

So, how do you practice Intensive Self-Care? Here are some questions to get you thinking:

• What are my most important values?
• Am I honoring my needs, values & priorities?
• What can I de-clutter (delete or delegate) from my schedule to make room for ME Time?
• What am I doing, on a regular basis, for my physical, emotional and spiritual well-being?
• What are my non-negotiable self-care practices? (for example, reading, tea time, yoga, exercise, meditation, monthly girls night out, yearly physical check-up, massage, pursuing a hobby, etc.)
• What support can I get from my family, friends, co-workers, or other help professionals?

* Related article: The Magic Kitchen

Labels: getting support, inspiration, Intensive Self-Care, personal development, priority, relationship, self love, setting boundaries, transforming limiting beliefs