We all know the gift of giving, but few understand the gift of receiving.It's very gratifying to be able to give and help others, especially when they do appreciate your help, or when you can see how they've benefited from your help. Being altruistic is definitely a virtue, however, some people I know and/or have worked with tend to see self-sacrifice as their obligation. These people have the tendency to "over-nurture" at the cost of their own physical or emotional well-being, until they reach the point of Nurturing Burnout.
On the other hand, some people might equate asking for help as a sign of weakness or inadequacy. For example, a mother or a business owner might reason that she "should" be able to do it all, if she is a capable mother or business owner. As a result, they have the hardest time admitting they need help and/or asking for help. This kind of mentality and behavior also drain you physically and emotionally, and easily lead to burnout.
Some recent studies indicated caregivers as the most stressful job, worse than air traffic controllers. Taking care of a loved one with an illness or special needs takes a toll on the caregivers' physical, emotional and financial well-being. When the caregivers neglect their own needs, and fail to practice Intensive Self-Care while taking care of their loved ones, they could quickly become burned out.
Even if you are not a caregiver, the same predicament could happen to you, if you do not take good care of yourself.
The solution, I believe, lies in striking the balance between giving and receiving. It requires heightened self-awareness and self-love. You need to be aware and acknowledge when you need support from others, and to respect that need. To honor and respect your own needs is an act of self-love and self-compassion. You need to understand and believe that you deserve to love and nurture yourself, at least as much as you love and nurture others.
It's easier said than done, I know. I'm often surprised by how uncomfortable some people get about accepting help.
Earlier this year, I took my children to Home Depot to buy new plants and top soil for my garden. You know Home Depot - there's always a surplus of guys in that store. Not just any guys -- these are supposedly very strong, capable, DIY type of guys (at least they believe themselves to be, right?). So, on this beautiful sunny afternoon, as I was pulling into the Home Depot parking lot, I saw an old lady standing by her car, attempting to lift the 40-lb bags of top soil into her trunk. She's got to be in her 70s, and looked very frail. I have no idea why she was there all by herself, buying these bags of top soil which she obviously couldn't carry. Perhaps she was counting on some of the strong, capable guys that shop at Home Depot would give her a helping hand. Well, as I parked and got out of my car, I saw a couple big guys walking by her toward the store, but none of them stopped to offer her help. Meanwhile, she was still attempting with no success to lift the first bag of top soil out of the shopping cart.
So, I walked straight to her with my two kids, and offered to help her. She looked at me for 2 seconds and said, "I don't need your help. I need a man to help me." I guess she had little faith in my 5'3'' and 100 lb physique. Or, perhaps she believes that it's a "man's job" to carry the top soil, and I'm not capable or qualified for that. Who knows? In any case, I'm a mom, and I can certainly handle a few bags of top soil.
I looked around, and, as far as I could tell, I did not see any of those "strong, capable guys" come running to help this poor old lady. Once more, I assured her that I could help her, and she finally decided to let me help her move the bags into her trunk. Then, she made a remark that I thought was bewildering. Instead of saying "thank you", she said, "Now, how am I going to move these into my house? Are you going to follow me home and help me?" I'm not kidding. That's what she said.
"Um, I'm sorry, but I can't help you there." I said, "You can probably find a neighbor to help you."
As I said good-bye to her and walked toward the store, I pondered on this surreal encounter. On one hand, I'm happy that I could help her, and grateful that I am healthy and strong enough to be on the giving end. On the other hand, I have to say, it's kind of disappointing to offer someone help and being turned down. It's also kind of weird that I had to "convince" the old lady to let me help her, and the fact that she didn't seem to appreciate the assistance even though she obviously needed it. Even though I did help her in the end, it did not feel as gratifying as if she had say yes to me the first time I offered to help.
This got me thinking. Why is it so difficult to accept other's assistance? And, when you know you really need help, does it really matter where it comes from?
Another experience I had years ago was totally different. This time, I was at the receiving end. It was when my children were very little. One day, I had an emergency and my husband was out of town. We had no family nearby at all, and it was hard to get a babysitter on such a short notice. A friend of mine offered to watch my children for a few hours. I couldn't thank her enough after I returned. To that she replied, "No, thank YOU for trusting me with your children. It means a lot to me."
I was so moved that I couldn't utter a word. Needless to say, our friendship deepened as a result and I saw her as a true friend.
You see, when you graciously accept others' offering of assistance, you are not only receiving a gift from them, you are also giving them a precious gift -- an opportunity to receive the gratifying and exhilarating experience of being able to help someone and make a difference in someone's life.
If you have helped someone before, you know the feeling I'm talking about. We all want to feel useful and needed. We all want to make a difference. Being able to help makes us feel great about ourselves.
Think about it. When you turn away an extended helping hand, you are depriving that person an opportunity to feel great about himself/herself. On the contrary, when you allow someone to give you a helping hand, you are giving them this precious gift of making a difference and feeling great about themselves. That's why I call it the gift of receiving. As a result, you get the help you need, the other person feels great, and it also strengthens your relationship.
Win-win situation.
So, next time someone offers you a hand, instead of automatically answering "No thanks, I can handle it", take a pause and consider these questions:
- Am I saying no because I really don't need any help or because I don't want to "bother" someone else?
- Am I saying no because I'm afraid of being judged as incapable or inadequate?
- Could I use the help? Would this make my life easier?
- What am I trying to accomplish here?
- How important is my long-term health and emotional well-being?
- Could I use someone to share my load so I could take a much-needed break for myself?
If you could really use the help, then by all means, why not say YES for a change?
Related post: From Self-Sacrifice to Self-Love
Labels: awareness, caregiver, compassion, getting support, giving, Intensive Self-Care, personal development, perspective, relationship, self love
It's attitude like that old woman's that turns people away from wanting to help. You may not know if she's turned down other people's help ("you're too puny for a guy, I'm looking for a strapping fella") before. Then when you do step in to help, that was the "thanks" she gives? In this person's case, it sounds like she's become hardened by a rigid outlook on life and she's probably a very unhappy person inside.